I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
