We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
