I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my being single is dangerous.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
