you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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