i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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