you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
