went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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