Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
