kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
