I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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