And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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