Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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