she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
