I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize