your parents love me but you hate me
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
