My liver just broke up with me...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
