i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
