My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
