Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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