She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
