my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
