I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
