I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
