shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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