Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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