I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
