I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
