made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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