He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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