I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
