Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
