When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
