i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
