Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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