Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
