my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
