never play flip cup with pint glasses
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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