I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
