Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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