My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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