why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
