so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
