remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
COCAINE IS GR8
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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