It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
