just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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