he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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