Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
