Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
