Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
