theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
