she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
