Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize