I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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