Can i not drive my cunt home
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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