Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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