During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
