Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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