Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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