Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
