The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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