I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
