I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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