did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
false alarm. still invincible.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
