oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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