I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
