I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
