i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
